He was Wyatt before he was

The Fish has decided that his bottle's name is Bobby. This with no direction from Bill or me. He's a few days shy of being 15 months old (or, in non-mom speak, a year and three months) and he's already dishing out nicknames?

Could I be any more proud?

But this Bobby thing got me thinking. About how Wyatt was already somebody before he was born. That the personality that I sit around in wonderment and watch him display daily already existed. At least in part. Sure, there are things that this life is teaching him already about himself and what's funny or interesting or scary - did he have an obsession with wheels in the pre-existence? - but there were things - OBVIOUS things - from zero hour that were already his.

He was Wyatt before he was.

Which makes me think about how Somebody loved him before. A Great Somebody knew him - already - so much better than his own mother.

Which makes me think about how grateful I am for that. How grateful I am that that Great Somebody arranged things so that in moments when I don't know what to do, I can ask Him, and He'll know, because He knows my baby. And me. And what we both need.

Which makes me think about that time when I was a newborn mother, just two weeks old, with a newborn human (also two weeks old! How's that for a coincidence?) folded into my arms. It was four o'clock in the morning - I was still recovering from the surgery and had already been up with Wyatt twice. I was Bluesing, and feeding him was excruciatingly painful - physically, yes, but I think more emotionally than physically. Wasn't I supposed to love this?
I remember it exactly. The Bean in my arms, me rocking in my chair, the lamp on my bedside table on dimly, Bill taking his turn to sleep through the Bean's protests. I remember looking into that brand new, sweet, scrunchy face and loving him so much and realizing that wow. I wans't strong enough. I had to have help.

My heart turned toward heaven, toward that Great Somebody whom we lovingly call Father, and I told Him how weak I felt. How scared I was. How tired and how frail. I told Him that I wanted so desperately to be enough for this amazing little person - not just enough, I wanted to be amazing. I told Him I couldn't do it alone. I needed help.

Isn't it remarkable how all He really wants from us is an honest and sincere heart?

He heard.

He always does.

I was already a mother, but I think that is the night that I truly became a Mother. I felt my heart steel itself against my mortal fears. I knew I was not in this alone. I heard Him whisper - not in words, but very clearly all the same - he said, "Fear not, little sheep. I am with thee. I know the soul you hold in your hands, I know thy husband, and I know thee. I know what to do." I handed over my weakness. I learned to lean on the One who Knows.

And do you know what? The very air in the room changed. The room really did appear brighter, and the air clearer. A great fog had been lifted, and I felt rejuvinated. at 4:00 in the morning!

A few weeks later, the Bean learned to sleep through the night. Far earlier than I had any right to hope for. And I got my desperately needed sleep, healed quickly from the surgery, and fell in absolute love with being a Mother.

Because that Great Somebody knew me before, too - so much better than I do now.


Bluesing: suffering from the Baby Blues - not quite post partum depression - but definitely some crazy stuff going on!

5 comments:

Jeff and Ari said...

Wow. This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us.

sasha spills said...

Stepper, this entry brought tears to my eyes! You captivated perfectly moments in my life where I've turned to my Father for strength and have felt his overpowering love. You're a wonderful mother!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

This is a beautiful post. And yes, that Great Someone is the only way to do motherhood right. He knows our children so much better than we do, and he knows our weaknesses, but trusts us anyway (a.k.a. makes up the difference). Thank heavens! REally.

MikkSolo said...

Step,
You are such an amazing person who has such rich insight. It is always a pleasure to get to know you and you little family better. Let's Party on!

b. said...

This is beautiful....and a very blessed perspective.
Thanks for sharing it.