Impatient...excited...a little hungry

Me looking very tired at work on this very morning.

If you were to step inside my head right now it would sound a bit like the world outside my window at six o'clock this morning: howling winds crashing through trees, pushing against houses, and whistling their way through the imperceivable cracks between window panes.

Like my thoughts, the winds weren't angry.  Only wild.  Canyon winds that carry the earthy scent of the changing leaves from the mountains to the valleys, knowing no other way to be than fierce, directionless, eager.  So much raw energy...nowhere to go with it.

I'm not sure if it was torrential winds or thoughts that woke me this morning.  But I indulged.  I stayed still and silent next to my sleeping husband, listening to things course through me.

Was Wyatt warm enough in the other room?
What time did Bill finally come to bed?  It was past three...was it past three?  I wonder if he got his project done and if he's happy with it.  I hope he's happy with it - he works so hard.
Today I will wash all of Moeb's clothes in the special baby detergent - but then what?  Nowhere to put them.  I wish we could get the kids a dresser.
KIDS!  Plural!  How many days from my due date am I now?
Kristie had her baby.  I wonder if she's getting any sleep?  I should offer again to take her toddler for a while.
Does the world really expect me to get up and face another Thursday?  Especially one that starts with dirty dishes in the sink?
It's Parent Weekend at north campus today.  I should get to work early, just in case.
I wonder how the P---'s are doing - I should make them soup.
I need to weed the back yard.  It's November, and I still haven't weeded the back yard!  I am embarrassed whenever someone comes over and sees my tree-sized weeds in my joke of a back yard.
It will snow soon.
There are cinnamon rolls downstiars.  Mmmm.  Cinnamon rolls.
I'm hungry.
Great.  Cinnamon rolls.  I wonder how long it will take me to shed the pregnancy weight this time? No real hope for having a 'skinny Christmas'.  All the pictures.  Ugh.
How do some women do it?
How many times did I cry yesterday?  Only twice.
Have I felt Moeb move yet, this morning?  She used to be so acrobatic.  She's starting to worry me.
Ooh - contraction.  I wish I were having the real-deal contractions.  I wish I were in labor!
My house isn't clean enough for me to be in labor, yet!
How do some women do it?
The swelling in my feet didn't go down during the night.  It's going to be another painful day.  But I still need to clean the bathrooms!  I will clean the bathrooms!
I know - I'll suck it up (like the pioneers!) and clean the whole house today while Bill is at school, and I'll make pizza for dinner so he'll come home to a clean house and his favorite hot meal!  Show 'im I've still got it!
Was that a kick?
Why on earth did I cut bangs?  MYSELF???  I am so displeased with my hair - I want to chop it again!  Dang unruly tresses.
I wonder if the family fast for P-- and M--- worked?
It was SO RUDE what that teacher said to me the other day!  What am I, chopped crap?
Contraction.  How far apart? Too far.  Definitely too far.
Maybe this weekend I'll have a chance to go pick up some fabric for the *secret project* commission.
Maybe I'll have time to work on the editing gig, too.
Is there gas in the car?
I'm so tired.  All the time.  What a bummer it is to be around me - I drain all life force from every living thing in the room.  It's like a superpower.  Only I'm the villain.
I wonder if I should start the book with J--- in the woods.  More compelling?
My poor husband is so tired!  He's got all these school projects and has to take care of Wyatt during the day while I'm at work, and I can't even make him a hot meal each night!  And he never complains!  I'm the worst wife ever.  And he's the best husband ever.  He always rubs my aching feet and back - I don't even have to ask him to - and what do I do for him?  Wash his socks *if* he's lucky.
I can do better.
How do some women do it?
I can't believe I'm going to have a baby girl in my arms in a matter of days!
I wonder how Ari's doing with her pregnancy?  Still symptom free?
I wonder how Tamsin is doing?
And Ali?
And how come everyone is having a boy?  Is it so that Moeb will have her pick of the pedigree litter when she's old enough to date boys?  Like, when she's 25?
Arranged marriage - now that was a good idea.  Let's bring that back!
What am I going to get Bill for Christmas?  How am I going to adequately spoil my best friend on my ridiculous budget?
I wonder if he'd notice if I just blew the whole budget and got him whatever I wanted?
I'm so excited that he's letting me throw him a birthday party this year!
This year I turn 30.  Holy cow.  I wonder if I'll finally feel like an adult?
Wyatt needs snow boots, and Bill needs better gloves.
My daughter has no socks.  She's going to be here within two weeks and she has no socks!  She's coming in the cold of November, and I don't have any socks for her!  What kind of a mother am I?
I wish I had been able to find a sitter for Friday so I could take my sweet husband out - maybe the last time before Moeb comes.
I can't wait to finally be able to call Moeb by her real name!
I can't handle this for one more day.  I hurt all over, I'm tired and emotional, and I can't get my brain to work right.  I'm useless. I miss Stepper!
How do some women do it?
What was that line from the Picoult novel I'm reading?  The human capacity for burden is like bamboo - far more flexible than you'd ever believe at first glance.  One day at a time.
I'm about to have a Thursday.
Sounds pretty stormy out there.  I wonder if there's snow?
I'm hungry.

Wyatt began to cry in the next room.  Bill stirred, began to roll out of bed - I put my hand on his shoulder, silently letting him know that I was awake.  My turn.

I quietly entered Wyatt's room.  The wind had woken him, too.  He was curled into the top corner of his crib.  I pulled him back down to the middle, smoothed his racecar pajamas, adjusted his blanket, rubbed his back.

"It's okay," I said.

"It's okay, buddy" he said in a wimpering echo.

"Yes, it's okay buddy.  It's just the wind."

His little finger found it's way out from beneath his blanket.  He pointed to the window.  "Outside." he said.

"That's right, it's just the wind blowing round and round outside.  It's okay.  It's just loud."

"It's wind." he said.  And then "ding dong, ding dong" - becuase he associates scary noises outside with the sound of the doorbell at my parent's house, which terrified him on the night of Halloween.  Bill and I explained that it was just a bell, ding dong ding dong.  So surely, the loud but not scary wind followed the same rules.  Ding dong.

"Yes, ding dong." I said, and stroked his curls.  Good grapefruit, I love those curls!  "Now go back to sleep."

He closed his eyes.

I went back to my room - to my exhausted and peaceful husband, my quiet house despite the turbulence outside.

It was all just wind.


Grandpa Rusty said...

And such is life...

Lizzie said...

Wow. You can do it Stepper, clean the pizza and bake the bathroom, wash dressers and knit socks for moeb, wrap it all up in a cinnmon roll and sleep easy knowing that to me you are "the woman" in the question "how do some women do it?"... You're an inspiration, keep on keepin' on!

Jacqueline Fairbanks said...

Ari and I are at a conference together and she was on my computer reading your blog and told me what you wrote about today. So, I started reading. Wow, I could not tell if I wanted to laugh or cry, but it definitely made an impression on me. From everything I know about you (mostly from Ari) it is that you are an incredible woman. Kind of like superwoman, not the villain. I just wanted to let you know that it was pretty impressive to read about your thoughts and know that even those who appear to be the women who are capable of everything do have doubts, fears, and emotions similar to me and probably every other woman. Most of us just are not open or secure enough to reveal those thoughts. Thank you!

MikkSolo said...

Beautiful Stepper, in every way!


Nae said...

I really loved this post. :)