Rut

You know, all I can ask of this world is the chance to make my mark.

But right now, it feels like what I'm leaving behind is more of an accidental smudge. A fingerprint on the laminate of life.

I know what this is. I've been here before. It's my most un-favorite place to be. Ladies and gentlemen, I am in a RUT.

And this makes no sense, because usually my ruts are born of monotony and endless and unforgiving tasks (like cleaning the house. It's the job that never gets done, and instead merely reaches states of 'more-' and 'less-extreme').

I have PLENTY to occupy  my time. And plenty does. And there are a few things that are really ridiculously exciting to me. I have things to look forward to.

Yet - my days have taken on an air of dissatisfaction.

And not with anything external. It's an acute dissatisfaction with myself. And yet, not anything I can put my finger on. It's like I'm reaching for something on the top shelf, way in the back, and I can't reach it and I don't know what it is. This rut is internal and ambiguous.

tricky, tricky.

Something is going to change. I don't know what, yet. But it will be big. An internal shift that changes the landscape of my internal identity. Whatever it is that's up on that shelf.

Because, right now? I'm really annoying to be around. Because I'm so, you know, dissatisfied. I'm like King Haggard. I'd rather be Schmendrick.

It's almost there - I can just feel it with the tips of my fingers as I stretch my whole inside to try to reach.

a shift. a change. a new perspective.

SOMETHING.

Because Ruts really freak me out.

Really.

4 comments:

Philip and Mandy said...

Oh yes, I know exactly the rut you're talking about. I have been there many times!! Sometimes, though, they can be enlightening - because you end up better on the other side!

Ro Ro Riot said...

Ruts freak me out too. Mostly because they make me feel like I'm emotionally imbalanced and, yes, annoying. I've found that most of my ruts happen because I am afraid to be really, truly happy. Especially to be happy with myself. Do your ruts have a theme?

Queen Scarlett said...

Um... I am in said rut as we speak. I think I need a yoga/spa escape weekend. ;-)

That Girl said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I feel your pain.

Know this: you have not always been in a rut, nor will you always be in a rut. Ruts pass.

Also, if you say "rut" too many times, it sounds really funny.