A Mother's Heart is Constantly Breaking


Daphne is teething. I keep watch, waiting for that little pearl to peek through, filled with - anticipation, yes - but mostly a wrenching sorrow. My little bird's gummy grin will be gone. Never to return.

Oh, how I adore that big, earnest, tooth-less grin.

Oh! How I will miss it when it is gone.

And Wyatt! When did he become a little man? Where has my snuggly, giggling toddler gone? The one who seemed to always need his Mommy? Please can I have some milk, a cracker, the toy on that high shelf? The small, soft creature who wandered unsteadily through my house? The warm lump sleeping pressed against my side? A tiny hand wrapped around my finger? A pair of tiny arms wrapped around my neck? That little boy, wrapped so tight around my heart?

Who is this steady child who opens the refrigerator to get his own milk? Who moves stools and chairs to reach that toy himself? Who doesn't want crackers, thanks, Mom; he'd rather have a sandwich? Who no longer sings along, but instead asks if I would PLEASE STOP SINGING (No, don't sing, Mom. Let the song go). Who no longer obeys on blind faith, but negotiates. Who opens doors, traverses stairs, and climbs in and out of the bath like he never had any trouble?

The child who - at two and a half - already doesn't need his mom anymore?

At least not in the way he used to.

Don't misunderstand - I claim immense joy and satisfaction in watching my Monkeyfish learn, adapt, discover that he is capable. I love the boy that he has become. So smart. So creative. So clever - such a tease!

I watch this new boy with wonder.

But I do miss the boy this new amazing creature has sprung from.

I miss him.

And because I have watched and because I now know - I can't help but mourn each phase my Hummingbird is moving through so quickly - so impossibly fast - so that while I am laughing with delight, I am also crying with despair.

I am standing on the tracks of Time, arms flung wide, willing that thundering Train to stop with all the power of my being. But it plows through me every time, taking no notice of the girl crying in anguish there on the tracks. A tiny bump, already forgotten as it pulverizes me.




6 comments:

Jeff and Ari said...

You made me cry!!!

It's a beautiful life! said...

I know where you are coming from! Children grow so fast and as much as we enjoy watching them learn and develop - oh how I wish I could make time stand still!! Bennett is also teething and I am going to miss his toothless grin as well. It's so hard to let go!

Charms said...

I'm such a nerd; your post made me cry! Lauryn turns ONE next month..oh, wait...THIS month. Is it already July??? WHERE DOES THE TIME GO???

Nae said...

Your post makes me think of the John Mayer song "Stop this train" even though he looks the other direction. To me it feels like it was only yesterday that we had our first ultrasound and the day before that we found out we were pregnant. Everyone keeps telling me that time will go even faster once my precious baby is born. Is that even possible?

Grandpa Rusty said...

My heart has been a lump on the tracks so many times now it looks like waffle fries from Chick-Fil-A. I know what you mean.

Tammy said...

Just wait until they would rather spend time with their friends than spend time with you! You know that is natural, but "A Mother's heart wants them with her always!