I got this.

Sliding along the back roads of South Utah County this afternoon, my whole family crammed into Lizzie's subaru (it's my little third that makes this a particular challenge), I realized something.

It's funny - how many things occur to me while riding shotgun.

"This is the last day of 2010," I said in awe.

"Hey, that's right! Cool!" Bill said, head bopping to the sounds of The National crooning from the radio.

I looked at him. "This has been a really hard year."

He looked at me, catching my tangled expression before turning his gaze back to dutiful driving. "Yes. But it's been a really good year, too," he offered.

I looked ahead, again, and sighed. "Yeah, a good one, too." It was undeniable. This year has been full of challenges - but also full of so many truly great things. This year has just been...full.

And it was clear to see how my family has been shifted, molded, challenged and changed. How we've been blessed and guided - and rescued more than a few times. Looking back, it was impossible to see 2010 as anything less than miraculous.

For me and my family.

But for me, alone? On a personal level, 2010 has brought me to my knees. It has broken my heart. Contrited my spirit. Ground me a little beneath the heel. Pushed my head beneath the waves - and even though each time I've managed to resurface and gulp that sweet air of survival, at the end of things I do still feel a bit like a drowned mouse.

"But...this year has been really hard for me, personally." I tried to explain.

"Ah," Bill said, and rested his hand on my knee. I love that. "Yes, it has." he said.

And now, here on the cusp of a defined new beginning - where I can look down at my calendar and see a very clear line where the last square of 2010 ends and the first square of the next thing begins - I look back on my travels - personal and otherwise - of 2010 with a feeling of reverence.

2010 - you did not beat me. Each time you shoved me down and pressed your knee into my back, I grew a little stronger. So thank you for the fight, because I needed to find the fight again in me. I needed to push back my sleeves, wipe the blood from my cheek with the back of my hand, and get SCRAPPY.

So here's to you, 2010. Thanks for the fat lip and the black eye.

I really needed it.

And here's to you, 2011. Because, friend, you are going to be a full year, too. But this time?

I'm in control.


Janey said...

I so have 2011, too.