Saving Light at the End of a 5 Week Tunnel

I am spending a lot of time being pregnant, lately.

I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around the inevitable outcome: an adorable little boy for me to glomp, inhale, and overprotect. I bought a box of size 1 diapers at Costco the other day. That's the first thing I've purchased for this little guy - and the reality of the diapers in my (wonderfully oversized) shopping cart helped solidify the actuality of what I'm in for.

Which is a real treat!
Stepper and Wyatt, days after first meeting
There are moments of grace when I find myself focused on this little person sharing my space, and I am completely over the moon in love with him. These moments grow more frequent and more blissfully intense as the time draws nearer. I consider these moments Gifts from my Heavenly Father; moments of respite from my broken mind. Moments that remind me how I *really* feel - as opposed to how I feel merely most of the day.

Which is IMPATIENT! EAGER! Eager for this particular journey to END. Be OVER. FINIS.

I hate to admit it, because I hate to admit to the selfish place my mind has gone and taken up residence of late - but if I am completely honest, I would admit that my thoughts of finally being able to move on and move past this pregnancy on D-Day often outnumber my thoughts about finally getting to meet my little man.

It's not that I'm not excited to meet my baby. I am. Oh, I am.

It is simply this: I am at the end of my rope. I have 5 weeks to go - if he doesn't come early (pleasepleaseplease) - and I am looking at March 16th as the day of MY deliverance. The day I will finally begin to really recover. Get my mind back. Relocate my patience. Discover again my energy to Mother, to Wife, to serve, clean, exercise, bake, craft, blog.

I am looking forward to reclaiming control. Not of my world - heaven knows I've learned that's not mine to be in control of. But control and mastery of self. Taking back the things that make me burn. Finally allowing my flame to blaze consumingly rather than as a huddled, protected, flickering candle.

When I finally get to hold this little stranger in my arms - and feel how much more complete my world is for his being so deeply in it - I will also be reclaiming myself.

In 5 more looong short weeks.


Diana Larson said...

Five weeks ago was January 6th. Doesn't it seem that we just rang in the New Year? Time will fly. Especially after he is born and is on his way to school, goes on his mission, finds a wife and starts bringing you little grandbabies!

Jeff and Ari said...

Hang in there and know you have a whole cheering section you probably aren't even aware exists and we are LOUD and PROUD of you!

Rich said...

You can do it!