For Want of Constancy

I remember a seminary lesson taught by Brother Kauffman when I was a senior in High School. He spoke of being Steadfast and immovable. He was talking about being firm in our faith - but I remember deciding that I wanted to be steady just as a person. I had this vision of me in my adult years - a confident and assured young woman who was consistently calm. Unflappable.

I don't mean that I didn't want to change. We are meant to change - to progress, to grow, to learn and to change our minds.

If I had been stuck with being the girl I was when I was in, say, third grade - I would have been doomed. I can't imagine anything more awful! To be trapped in that ever vulnerable state of unrealized potential - an entire tree stuck inside a tiny seed!

But I wanted to be steady inside myself. I wanted to be able to stand in the center of myself, get a real good handful of my own inner resolve and come what may! I would not bend.

So, now, here I am. Swiftly approaching the undeniably-adult age of 32. And I find that throughout the day, I am not so much a mighty solid oak in the wind as I am a cattail reed, whipping this way and that.

I can't count how many times today I thought "This is going to be such a great day!" only to be followed shortly by, "I can't wait for this day to be over!"

Times I felt I was on top of my little world, best Mother Award goes to...! Followed so quickly by the aching desire to simply be known - to exist as something other than she-who-wipes-noses-and-makes-snacks.

Times of immense patience...followed by times of inner tantrum.

And It makes me wonder: will I ever grow up? In all my changing, will I ever become that steady person I imagined?

Will I ever be a tree?


craftyashley said...

I am still a sapling, and with every wind storm, I get uprooted and blown around the yard. (you should see my hair after such a thing!)
Eventually, after many replantings and probably a lot of time, I hope that I can stay in one place and grow stronger. It's a goal- seemingly unattainable with small children blowing about the house. As long as it's still the goal, we'll be on the road to getting there.
Enjoy the growing. :)