Something About a Desert Rain

There is something about a desert rain.

It's not like other rains I have lived and loved. Not like the cool, grey, soft and saturating rain of Seattle. Not like the warm and sticky rain of New York. Or the green immersion of Connecticut or Greensboro or the surprise attack of L.A.

I'd forgotten about the desert rain. The desperate electricity of a pounding summer storm.

The truth is, I have been unfair.


I didn't want to admit it, but I have had a hard time being back in Utah. I feel all square-peg round-hole, here. I have missed New york and everything that immense adventure meant that I was. Adjusting to being back here has been far more difficult than the adjustment to the other world of New York City. The uncomfortable, recurring question breathes in my mind: "What am I doing here?"

But here I am. In Utah. And though it's easy to forget in the middle of my grief of what I've lost in being here, I know that this is where we were told to come. There is a purpose in this.

And while I fight to discover it, I can choose to remember the things I have forgotten about what I love about this place.

Where I get to live five minutes away from the glorious mountains I grew up next to.

Where the early morning clouds roll along my mountaintops like cats lazily rubbing themselves against stone.

I miss every day the challenge of the every day. I miss being a warrior. I resent the ordinary-ness of my life, now, and feeling trapped in vanilla and beige.

But there's something about a desert rain. I would not have loved the rain had it not been for a summer rain in Utah.

It's electric. Charged - and it makes me feel like I can do anything. And more importantly - that I want to. It clears the mind and cleanses the soul; makes me new.

It's easy, I think, for the things that we are used to to become invisible. We forget the way they have shaped us.

I still struggle. But after this desert rain, I feel my eyes have been washed clean. I can see better the invisible things.


Kristen said...

From all the places we've lived, that is why Utah county is hard for us as well (and especially my grown-up-in-Maryland-husband)... for sure that "vanilla and beige" you talked about. But unfortunately, we had to go where the job was, and that's Payson. He does still have a hard time with it (all the non-diversity of it all - especially at church... man, there were sure some colorful characters in our ward in NYC!). But I guess we're getting used to it - we do want to raise our kids here.

Good luck with it, I'll be interested to see where life takes your family - but hopefully not too far away too soon!!

I love the rain too, rain days are my favorite.

meredill said...

Beautifully put. New York misses you in it's hustle and bustle as well

Charms said...

I know exactly what you mean. I may live here (forever, who knows) but it will never be my real HOME. It's a place we chose to raise our kids...because it's where we feel safest. And for me, that outweighs the beach, sand, or any of my own needs. Trust me, if it weren't for little people...
But what do I know? One day they will all grow up and most likely run away screaming to California because they will think Utah is too boring. ;) Right?

You just can't win.
Also, miss you! And--glad you are stuck here for the time being with me. ;)